Fly
by Matts-Girl1
Summary: A tragedy strikes the Rabb household. Inspired by the "Celine Dion" fic challenge, but not a songfic. Originally written in 1999, was on my site, just re-posted here.


**Fly**

Author: Rorie  
© April, 1999.

Rating: PG-13  
Classification: S (Harm/Mac)  
Summary: A tragedy strikes the Rabb household.

Disclaimer: The characters that you'd recognize and the concept of "JAG" are not mine. They belong to CBS, BeliPro, Don Bellisario, Paramount, and whoever else holds the rights, and their portrayers. I'm not making any money off of this story, and no copyright infringement is intended. Please don't sue... I'll return them when I'm done... probably in better condition than I found them in (my momma taught me well). Don't complain to me if they get lost in the mail... blame the United States Postal Service.

I don't own the rights to the song "_Fly_," sung by Céline Dion. It is available on her Falling Into You album.

Dedicated to: Jess, for issuing the original challenge; and to Gaby, because this makes her cry.

* * *

As you can tell from the date above, this was written well before 9/11, so reflects the reality before that tragedy. I'm not ignoring that pivotal event by any means, it just hadn't happened yet, so please read this with that reality in mind. Thank you.

* * *

_"Fly, fly little wing  
Fly beyond imagining  
The softest cloud, the whitest dove  
Upon the wind of heaven's love  
Past the planets and the stars  
Leave this lonely world of ours  
Escape the sorrow and the pain  
And fly again._

_Fly, fly precious one  
Your endless journey has begun  
Take your gentle happiness  
Far too beautiful for this  
Cross over to the other shore  
There is peace forevermore  
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet  
Until we meet._

_Fly, fly do not fear  
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear  
Your heart is pure, your soul is free  
Be on your way, don't wait for me  
Above the universe you'll climb  
On beyond the hands of time  
The moon will rise, the sun will set  
But I won't forget._

_Fly, fly little wing  
Fly where only angels sing  
Fly away, the time is right  
Go now, find the light."_

The end of the song found LTC Sarah "Mac" MacKenzie-Rabb in tears. It always made her think of that terrible day a year earlier...

* * *

**RABB RESIDENCE  
TYLER PARK, VA  
ONE YEAR EARLIER**

"Mommy, is the plane like Daddy's Tomcat?" five-year-old Trisha Catherine asked.

"No, stupid, it's a lot bigger." seven-year-old M.J. (short for Matthew Justin) replied.

"Mommy, he called me stupid." Trisha complained as she swatted at her brother, who promptly swatted her back.

Mac chuckled at the exchange between her children before stepping in to put an end to it.

"All right, you two, that's enough. Your father will be home soon to take us to the airport."

The three of them were flying to Arizona to visit Uncle Matt. He had promised that this time the kids were old enough to hike Red Rock Mesa. They had talked of nothing else for the last month-and-a-half. Harm, unfortunately, couldn't get leave to go with them. He was acting JAG until Adm. Chegwidden came back from emergency personal leave.

"Do you have everything ready, M.J.?" Sarah asked; knowing her son, he didn't. "A book for the plane, your toothbrush, your clean underwear?"

"Yes, Mom, I got everything." he said in an annoyed voice.

"How about you, Trisha?"

"Yes, Mommy, all ready."

Just then, Harm walked into the kitchen where his family was gathered. He grabbed Sarah around the waist and kissed her neck. She spun around in his arms and gave him a proper kiss.

M.J. put his hands over his sister's eyes so that she couldn't see the "mushy" stuff between their parents. She pushed them away... it always made her smile to see her parents in love... she felt safe and secure.

The couple finally pulled apart when their son started making exaggerated gagging sounds.

Harm went over and playfully bopped M.J. on the head, "Cut it out, wise guy!"

"Dad, it's gross... I mean you two are *_old_*... you're not supposed to kiss and stuff like that."

"Is that right, wise guy?" his father retorted. "We'll just see about that when you're our age."

Come on, guys, it's time to leave..." Mac said with a laugh.

"Yeah, only 2 hours, 33 minutes, 15 seconds until our plane takes off." Trisha added helpfully.

Harm gave Mac a "Now where does she get that from?" look, before ordering the kids upstairs to get their bags.

M.J. and Trisha kept up a steady stream of conversation all the way to Reagan National Airport. Their parents just exchanged amused glances at the antics of their children.

* * *

**RONALD REAGAN/WASHINGTON NAT'L AIRPORT  
WASHINGTON D.C.  
HALF-AN-HOUR BEFORE TAKEOFF**

The intercom announced that flight 300 to Phoenix Sky Harbor International was now boarding.

"That's our flight, Mom." M.J. announced.

"I know..."

Harm bent down to kiss his daughter on her forehead, she flung her little arms around his neck, "I'm gonna miss you, Daddy. I wish you could come with us."

"Me, too, Angel, me, too."

He then turned to shake hands with his son, who was at the age where public displays of affection were frowned upon. "Take care of your mom and sister for me, okay, Son."

"I will, Dad." M.J. then surprised his father by hugging him.

Harm turned to his wife; she came into the circle of his arms willingly. He kissed her passionately, eliciting gagging sounds from M.J.

"I'm gonna miss you, Sarah... I don't know what I'm going to do with myself for the next two weeks, without you."

"I'm going to miss you, too, Harm... I'll be thinking about you constantly. But you're gonna be too busy to miss us... being JAG is a big job."

"Yeah, but not too big to keep me from missing the most important people in my life." he stated before pulling her into another breath-stealing kiss.

"Last call for flight 300 to Phoenix Sky Harbor." the intercom interrupted.

"MOM, let's go." M.J. called impatiently, "We're gonna miss the flight."

Sarah kissed Harm again lightly, before turning to follow her children to the gate. "I'm coming."

Harm watched as his family went down the chute to the plane and then watched until he could no longer see the plane after it took off. He went slowly back to the car. It was gonna be a long two weeks.

* * *

**SOMEWHERE OVER THE MIDWESTERN U.S.  
THREE-AND-A-HALF HOURS LATER**

"This is the captain speaking, we are experiencing turbulence. Please put your seatbelts on until I turn off the seatbelt sign again. Thank you."

Mac helped the kids put their seatbelts back on, reassuring them that everything was gonna be all right. She wished she believed herself, though... she had been in turbulence before, and if this was only turbulence, it was like none she had ever experienced. It felt like the plane was strapped to the back of a bucking bronco, only worse.

Ten minutes, later, the captain came back on, "Ladies and gentleman, the flight attendants will be explaining the emergency procedures to you shortly. I just wanted to tell you that I am attempting to find a place to set the plane down; we have lost our two right side engines. Thank you for flying with me today; it has been a privilege serving you. God bless you all."

M.J. and Trisha turned frightened eyes to their mother who was seated between them.

"Mommy, are we gonna crash?" M.J. asked, resorting to the baby title he used only when he was truly frightened.

"I don't know, Baby." Mac replied honestly, "I hope not. Let's pray that the pilot finds a safe place to land." She grabbed each child's hand and held them tightly, trying not to convey her fear to them. She didn't think she was doing a very good job.

* * *

**RABB RESIDENCE  
TYLER PARK. VA  
SAME TIME**

Harm was sitting in his office, trying to work on a file for a case that went to trial in the next week. Suddenly, he started shaking, a feeling of absolute dread coming over him. He knew something terrible was about to happen.

The phone rang; he answered it, "Rabb residence. May I help you?"

"Is this Mr. Rabb?" the voice on the line asked.

"Yes, it is..." Harm answered hesitantly.

"My name is Jack Trenton... customer relations with United Airlines. I'm afraid I have some bad news, Mr. Rabb. We lost contact with flight 300 to Phoenix about 10 minutes ago. According to the passenger list, your wife and two children were on it."

"Did it go down?" Harm asked calmly, too numb to show any emotion.

"We're not sure... we just lost contact with them over Oklahoma. We are trying to determine what exactly happened. We will keep you informed on the progress. Again, I'm sorry that I had to relay this news to you."

"Thank you." Harm said as he hung up the phone.

He sat numbly for ten minutes before he realized that there were phone calls he should make. He called Grandma Sarah, Uncle Matt, Trish and Frank, and Bud and Harriet, explaining the situation to them. He wanted to call the Admiral, but he was on emergency leave in Italy with Francesca.

His next impulse was to get on the next plane for Oklahoma, but he quickly realized that that would be stupid; he had no idea where the plane was when the radar lost contact with it. He would just have to wait for more news.

* * *

**AN HOUR LATER**

The phone rang again, Harm jumped to answer it, "Rabb residence."

"Mr. Rabb, Jack Trenton, again. We have more news. The plane did indeed go down. Your family was found, they have been airlifted to Amarillo, Texas, the nearest major trauma center. I'm afraid, they are in critical condition. We have arranged a flight for you..." the man continued with the details. Harm listened numbly, making the appropriate responses when necessary.

After hanging up, Harm made some phone calls and left for the airport. As he drove to the airport, he kept thinking over and over, "Please don't them die, Oh, Lord, please don't let them die." He didn't think he had ever prayed this hard in his life.

* * *

**AMARILLO, TEXAS**

Harm rushed into the hospital and up to the information desk.

"I'm looking for my family; they were brought in from the plane crash."

"What are their names, Sir?" the desk clerk asked patiently, she had been helping people find their family members from the plane crash for several hours now.

"Rabb... Sarah, Matthew, and Trisha." Harm said, trying hard to keep the note of panic out of his voice.

The clerk typed something on the computer, and then read off of the screen... "They were taken right to surgery, fifth floor."

"Thank you." Harm said as he ran to the elevator.

Once at the fifth floor, he rushed to the nurses' station. "I need to know about the Rabbs... Sarah, Matthew, and Trisha."

"Are you family?" the unit secretary asked.

"Yes, Sarah's my wife, the others are our children."

"Sarah's in recovery, the others are still in surgery. I'll have a nurse come talk to you. If you'd wait over there."

Harm nodded numbly and moved to where the woman asked him to wait. She picked up a phone and spoke to someone.

A few moments later, a tall, blonde woman came over to him. "Mr. Rabb?" He nodded affirmatively.

"My name is Lynda. I'm a recovery room nurse. We have just moved your wife to the ICU... if you'd like you can go see her."

"Yes... what about Matthew and Trisha?"

"As far as I know, they are still in surgery. As soon as possible, a surgeon will speak to you about their condition. If you'd follow me, I'll take you to your wife."

Harm followed the nurse, she warned him that Sarah would be hooked up to all kinds of tubes and monitors, but she no longer had a machine breathing for her. They were able to extubate in the recovery room, she was breathing on her own, a good sign.

Even with the preparation, Harm was shocked when he saw Mac. She looked so small and vulnerable, nothing like the tough Jarheaded Marine he married. He went to her side and took her hand, "Sarah, I'm here."

* * *

**10 MINUTES LATER**

A nurse stuck her head into Mac's room, "Mr. Rabb, the surgeon would like to speak to you now."

"Thank you." He kissed his wife's hand and left the room.

"Mr. Rabb? I'm Dr. Sterling, I was the surgeon for Sarah. She was hurt pretty badly in the crash. Several broken ribs, a punctured lung, broken leg, ruptured spleen, and a concussion. We repaired the hole in her lung and inserted a chest tube, we removed her spleen, and she can live without that. She'll recover nicely; however, we weren't able to save the baby."

"Baby?" Harm asked confusedly.

"Yes, Mr. Rabb. Sarah was approximately 8 weeks pregnant. I'm sorry."

"Thank you, Doctor. Is there any news on the children?"

"I'm sorry, not yet."

"I understand."

Harm returned to Sarah's bedside, and put his head down next to her and cried.

* * *

**AN HOUR LATER**

"Harm?" Sarah said hoarsely, as she woke up.

"Sarah!" Harm smiled at her, "Welcome back, Sleeping Beauty." He was trying hard to keep the tone light in order to not upset her.

"Harm, I'm sorry."

"For what, Mac?"

"I couldn't protect them... it's my fault."

"How can it be your fault... you did nothing wrong."

"Have they told you anything yet?"

"Not yet, but soon. Mac, it's gonna be okay... you need to rest."

He stroked her hand until she fell back asleep. He then walked out into the hallway.

A nurse came up to him, "Mr. Rabb, Matthew's out of surgery, he's in the recovery room. His surgeon would like to speak to you."

Harm followed the nurse to where the surgeon was waiting. She was young, on any given day; he'd swear that she'd pass for 16 easily.

"Mr. Rabb, your son came to us in a bad way. He had intracranial bleeding from a ruptured blood vessel in the head. He had broken ribs that caused punctures in both lungs as well as into the pericardium, the sac around the heart. Both of his arms are broken, as well as one of his legs. We have done the best we can for him, now it's up to him and God. However, it doesn't look good. You need to prepare yourself for the worst."

Harm went absolutely ashen, but he nodded, "Thank you, Doctor."

All of a sudden alarms started going off in the recovery room. The doctor rushed into the room, "Code Blue to the PACU... Code Blue to the PACU"

Forty-five minutes later, the doctor came back out, a look of defeat on her young face. "Mr. Rabb, I'm sorry, we did all we could, we exhausted all of our options, but we couldn't save Matthew. I'm sorry, we lost him." She walked away quickly so that he couldn't see the answering tears in her eyes. She hated losing patients, but children were worse, they had their whole lives ahead of them. It just wasn't fair.

Harm sagged into a chair that was placed against the wall. It wasn't fair, his little boy was dead. He remembered the first time he had heard M.J.'s heartbeat at a prenatal checkup, he remembered the first sight of his son on the ultrasound monitor, he remembered the first wail from his newly-born boy, he remembered the first time he held him, how his little face looked up at him questioningly, and the way his little fingers curled around his larger one. He remembered M.J.'s first words and first steps. His first day of school. He thought about the firsts that would never come... his first date, his first car, and his first day at the Academy (M.J. had already decided he wanted to follow his dad's footsteps), his first flight, his first child...

Harm couldn't hold it in anymore... he broke down and cried... for his son, for his daughter, for his wife, for his unborn child, and for himself.

Finally, he got up and slowly walked back to the ICU where Sarah was waiting for him. She was awake... she could see immediately that he had been crying.

"Harm? What is it, Harm? Is it the children? Tell me..."

"Not yet, Mac, you're not strong enough."

"Don't give me that, Harm. I'm a Marine, I can take it. Now spill it, Harm."

After several minutes of this, he finally broke down. She needed to know, and it should come from him.

"Sarah, did you know you were pregnant?" She shook her head 'no.'

"Well, you were eight weeks along...the doctors couldn't save the baby." He watched her reaction carefully... she didn't seem to react to this news, but he knew that the rest of the news would get a reaction. He continued, "M.J. came out of surgery about an hour ago. He was hurt badly... They tried everything they could for him, but they couldn't save him. He died in recovery."

Mac just stared straight ahead, barely even blinking. "Sarah, say something..."

Suddenly, she screamed a scream that ripped into Harm's very soul... the scream of a mother who has lost her child. He reached over and tried to hold her, but the tubes got in the way.

A nurse rushed into the room to check on her patient. "What happened in here?"

"She found out about our son." Harm said.

The nurse just nodded her head, looked at the monitors and left the room so that the parents could grieve in peace.

Finally, "Trisha?" Mac asked.

"No news yet."

"She's gone." Mac stated matter-of-factly. "I can tell. She didn't make it."

"Sarah, don't say that... we don't know anything for sure yet."

"I know... I can't feel her anymore."

* * *

**RABB RESIDENCE  
TYLER PARK, VA  
PRESENT DAY**

Harm walked into the living room to find his wife sitting curled up on the couch, sobbing. He walked over to the stereo and saw which CD she had playing... he understood.

They had played that song at Trisha and Matthew's memorial service. Mac was unable to attend the funeral; she was still too weak... Everyone had been so supportive... Mac only wanted to work...she said work was the only thing that would help. The Admiral had to order her to take time off and heal...

Harm went and sat next to Sarah, he put his arm around her, and she stiffened. /When will she ever get over her guilt and realize what happened wasn't her fault?/ Survivor's guilt, the psychiatrists call it. He had experienced it himself after the accident. Maybe if he had gone with them, they wouldn't have died. Eventually, however, he realized that it wouldn't have made a difference... it wasn't his fault. Now if only Sarah would realize that.

He had tried talking to her after the accident, about M.J., about Trisha, about the baby. But she shut him out... she'd never done that before in their marriage. He could feel them drifting apart, but was helpless to stop it. He asked everyone he knew for advice, even went to a marriage counselor by himself... nothing seemed to help. She was locked away in her own world of grief, and he couldn't reach her. He wasn't even allowed to grieve with her, he had to do it on his own and separate from the woman he loved more than life.

He wanted more children, but Sarah wouldn't even consider it... he respected her decision, but was saddened that she refused to live as well. At night, she would pretend to be asleep when he came to bed, she stiffened if he touched her, they hardly ever made love anymore, it had become like a chore to her, something that must be done, but not enjoyed.

Sitting on the couch next to her, together yet apart, listening to her heart-wrenching sobs, his heart was breaking. He put his arm around her again, and refused to move it when she tried to wiggle out of his grasp.

"Sarah, we need to talk... This isn't healthy for you, for us. I feel like I'm losing you, as if I've already lost you. It scares me to think that we'll always be like this... together in the same house, but always separate in different worlds. We used to be partners, friends, best friends, lovers... but now, we're strangers." He lifted her chin so that she was looking at him. "Sarah, I can't lose you... I'd be losing my life... you're my life. I lost a part of myself when Trisha and M.J. died, but I'm still alive, so are you, though you try to hide that fact. Sarah, say something..."

"Harm, I..." She looked away from him. Her eyes were vacant, they had lost their sparkle, they no longer lit up when she smiled, which wasn't very often. She had become silent most of the time, speaking only when it was needed. She had lost weight. She was dead inside. She had thrown herself into her work, it was the only place where she showed any life at all... she had gained a reputation for throwing caution to the wind, she went for everything in each case she worked on, she rarely lost.

"Sarah, you have to live again... for me, for the kids, they wouldn't want you to grieve for them forever, but most of all, for you."

They sat in silence in the growing darkness in the room. Finally, he felt her relax against him, he could feel her sobs, and he just held her and rocked.

"Harm, I'm sorry." she said after her sobs subsided. "I didn't want this to happen... I didn't want to lose us... I just didn't know how to stop it. I was so caught up in my grief, my guilt, that I forgot that you were hurting, too. I forgot that you were there for me... I died inside. But I want to live again... I'm ready to live again. Can you ever forgive me?"

"Mac, Sarah, of course, I forgive you. Can we start over again? Can we be a family again?"

"That's what I want more than anything else in this world... to be your wife... and the mother of your children." she sat up and pulled out of his grasp.

"Do you mean, you're ready to try again?"

"No, I mean, you have seven months to get used to the idea of being a father again."

"You're..."

"The word is pregnant, Harm." she said with the first genuine smile he had seen from her in a year.

Harm pulled his wife back to him and kissed her passionately, he felt her respond with equal passion... something that he had missed over the last year.

Mac pulled back and smiled at her husband, "I love you, Flyboy."

The End.


End file.
